While browsing Father’s Day cards the other day at Walmart, I realized most of the ones I saw as a good fit for my father included “dad jokes.”
That should tell you something about my father, Ed Baumeister.
The funny thing about “dad jokes” is, they aren’t that funny. Which makes them hilarious. (Did we just go in a circle?)
And my dad is a master of the “dad joke.”
One of the times Ed Baumeister’s fatherly sense of humor was at its best was when he was teaching me to drive.
“Now remember, ‘R’ is for right in front of you and ‘D’ is for directly behind you,” Dad said, pointing out the gears.
I let out a courtesy laugh and told him he was the one who needed driving lessons.
I then put the car in reverse and backed out of the driveway despite Dad’s erroneous directions.
As I steered down our dirt road, he exclaimed, “watch out for the potfor!”
“Potfor? You mean pothole?” I said, taking the bait.
“No, potfor,” he said, offering no explanation.
I sighed and asked reluctantly, “What’s a potfor?”
“It’s for cooking a henway in,” he said.
“What’s a henway?” I asked.
And finally came his punchline, “oh, about 4 to 6 pounds.”
Dad also keeps a stash of classic one-liners up his sleeve like “if you don’t like my driving, get off the sidewalk.”
“Did you hear the news?” he asked my brother and I one day. “FedEx and UPS are merging. They’re going to be called “FedUp.”
And then there’s his favorite weather report: “Buffalo (New York) has four feet,” he says every winter during the first big snowstorm.
After a pause, he clarifies, “buffaloes always have four feet – four legs, and four feet.”
My dad is a king of this type of humor. But I know he isn’t the only one out there. Otherwise, “dad jokes” wouldn’t be a thing. So, in honor of Father’s Day, I went in search of the best (meaning worst) “dad jokes.” I scoured Google, asked my Facebook friends for their favorites and kept my eyes and ears open everywhere I went.
Here are some of my findings, categorized into situations in which dads are especially prone to inflicting embarrassing puns on their offspring and any other available victims.
At a restaurant:
Server: I’m sorry about the wait. What can I get you?
Dad: What about my weight? Are you saying I should order a salad?
I’d tell a “dad joke” about steak, but it’s rare that they’re well-done.
Server: Do you wanna box for that?
Dad: No, but I’ll wrestle you for it.
At a store:
Cashier: Would you like your milk in a bag?
Dad: No, that’s too messy. I’ll keep it in the jug.
Mom told Dad he’s the cheapest man alive, but he’s not buying it.
Why does the person bagging your groceries always make you pick plastic or paper?
Because baggers can’t be choosers.
In the car:
Passing a cemetery: Hey look, it’s the dead center of town.
Passing a bear trap: Why did the police officer pull over a U-Haul? He wanted to bust a move.
Passing roadkill: Do you know why you never see crows dead on the side of the road? Whenever they see a car coming, they yell, “car, car.”
At a movie theater:
Have you seen the movie “Constipated?” Of course not. It hasn’t come out yet.
What do you call a dad who tells bad puns during a movie? Pop corny.
Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands.
At a ball game:
Your uncle and I were great baseball players back in our day. We could’ve gone to the major leagues, if it wasn’t for our sinus problems. No one would sign us.
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
Want to hear a baseball joke? It will leave you in stitches.
The truth is, no matter where we are or what we’re doing, I can always count on Dad to cheer me up. And to cheer me on. That’s what good fathers do.
So, hats off to all the fathers reading this. I hope your Father’s Day is better than your jokes.